I'm currently drinking a glass of wine and thinking that maybe I should be sitting on an ice pack. You're probably wondering why one would need an ice pack to sit on unless they had hemorrhoid surgery. Which I did not. Have no fear, dearest friend! All in due time.
Anyways, I was sitting on the back porch, pondering my life choices and thought "You know what, today is a good day to channel my Pacific Northwest roots and cut some stuff down." So I did. And it was AWESOME. Case in point:
It probably looks like a hot mess...because it is. But I did 95% of that by myself this weekend/week. All that empty space is where brush and trees were. I dropped a few mesquite branches on my face, got some nasty scratches but I did a massive amount of work. I really should have taken a before picture so you can grasp the concept of just how thick it is out there. I even bought a new axe (got some funny looks at Walmart but felt pretty safe walking to my car). I meant to buy a hack saw but it slipped my mind because I was thinking about the Plumbing-pocolypse....which may be a chapter in a book I will write eventually.
I'm finding that I really enjoy doing yard work when it isn't Satan's A**hole hot outside. (Don't tell Zach...I don't want him thinking this has the potential to become a regular thing.)
Today I decide that Home Depot isn't too far out of the way from work to home, I'm gonna go buy a saw. I tell my coworkers because I'm about as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning! My coworker says "Be careful, you don't want to wind up hurting yourself."
Pfft, I've used plenty of axes and saws...I got this.
In case you were wondering if I possibly chopped off a limb today, the answer is no. Still got all 11 toes and 9 fingers.
Anyways...a few months back, our friend came over with his new chainsaw and cut down a dead oak tree. It was covered by the brush but I decided that I was finally going to tackle it. I chopped one section off this weekend and continuously worked on the top half for a few days. During that time, I had some precious moments to ponder why I didn't just buy a chainsaw? Oh yeah, that's right, I'm a pain in my own ass and against my better judgement was all "Gangster please, you got this. You're gonna show that tree who's boss with that brand new super sharp axe. You're not even gonna cut off your own limbs...you gonna chop off the tree limbs son. Chainsaws are weak sauce."
*Side note, I definitely pep talk myself like that. I'm like Jenny From The Block...but I'm Rachele from County Road.
That thing. That thing right there is where the good stuff starts. If you didn't read the first half of this post, you can start here. You might be confused but that's okay.
After I had finally separated that giant thing from it's base (probably 8-9 feet long and heavy as all get out), I pulled it out a bit as you can see by the picture above. You can also see a cactus in the righthand side of this photo. It's kind of important. It's been dead long before our friend cut it down so some of the branches have easily fallen off/removed with a swift tug. I found a branch I thought was sturdy. I gave said branch a few torques to decide if it was worthy to be my workhorse. I deemed it usable. I'd like to say this was my first mistake...but it was probably my third. My first mistake was not quitting while I was ahead.
I grabbed on to the branch and started thrusting all my bodyweight back and forth, trying to get it freed from all the other branches that had fallen down/grown around it in the past few months. With a few heaves and some cursing and grunting, I pulled the section loose and before I could even celebrate, the f*cking limb I was holding on to crumbled in my grip and I fell backwards...Yep. You guessed it. Take it in.
I landed ass and hands first into that lovely cactus in the righthand corner of the picture.
I felt the pain shooting through my gloves first...kind of like "Well what the hell just happened?!" I looked at my glove that was thoroughly impaled with cactus needles. I attempted to push myself up with one hand and that's when I felt the multiple stabby feelings all around my rear end.
I hadn't just pushed my hand on it, I straight up sat on that thing like I was plopping down on a nice comfy couch after a long day. Except that couch was made of spikes and it most definitely wasn't soft. After I mustered up the courage to get up, I waddled to the house clenching the bottom of my pants like I was a toddler who just pooped themselves. You know what I'm talking about...when they poop and don't want you to know so they just pull and tug at their paints. Yeah, I did that.
After the walk of shame to the house, I did what anyone would do. I called my mom and took pictures. I won't post the ones of actual damage to me because I don't need y'all seeing me in my underoos and also, the location was a bit too close to the wobbly bits :D. Thank god for granny panties!
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| Some pokeys I pulled out of my tush. |
Thankfully my pants took the brunt of the impact. I showed them to Zach and he suggested that I throw them away...I don't think any amount of plucking will get all those bad boys out.
On that note, I'm gonna go rest this swollen and sore butt.
That's it for this episode of "My hot mess of a life."
Xoxo
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