Ahhh, the sweet sound of profanity in the Riley Manor.
If you don't know me (which you should because I'm kind of amazing), I am a very sarcastic and foul mouthed little lady with a penchant for good beer and unsavory comments. Somewhere between pig tails with sugar and a pinch of spice, God wasn't reading his recipe for me correctly and added more piss and vinegar than anything else. That's okay though. I like myself alright.
The Almighty also added a dash of laziness for good measure.Which is actually what this post is about. That and the fact that Mr. Riley and I constantly use the phrase "Are you f*cking kidding me?!!!" Usually a fit of giggles ensues and it's usually on my part. We don't do it to be mean or hateful. We're just really sarcastic people living in a home of love, dad jokes and crude humor. Whatever, it works for us. I'm not judging you.
Recently enough, I lost my shoes. I had worn them the day before but couldn't for the life of me, find them. I looked all over the house (kind of) and enlisted the help of my sweet and wonderful husband. He agreed to help because we were getting ready to do a workout and I'm sure he knew that I would find a way to weasel out of it if I couldn't find my shoes. (Not that I don't have a bajillion other pairs I could have worn.)
"Babe, will you help me find my shoes?
"Have you even looked for them? Where was the last place you had them?"
"I checked in the kitchen and the bathroom downstairs...I don't think I checked the bathroom very well though. " (Which is completely ridiculous because it's a tad bigger than an airplane bathroom...nowhere to hide shoes at at all.)
"Why would they be in the bathroom?"
"Because I'm lazy and my thought process is to take them off as soon as I can no matter where I'm at?"
"Did you check upstairs?"
"There's no way I would have worn them all the way up there, I'm too lazy. On second thought though, I'll go check."
"Were they upstairs?"
"I dunno, I didn't see them. But I'm not going to lie...I didn't look really hard either. I kind of just glanced in each room but I definitely didn't see them."
"Rachele...seriously?"
*Zach goes upstairs and I continue to look in places where I would never take my shoes off at. Like the shoe rack. Or the dog room. Behind the couches, you know...stuff like that. Then Zach comes back downstairs to check outside because I have a tendency to take my shoes off in the car then walk into the house barefoot. 7 times out of 10, if I can't find my shoes, they are in my car.
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!"
"What?! Did you find them? Thank you so much! Where were they at?!"
"Rachele, where's the laziest place you can take your shoes off at?"
"I told you I already checked the bathroom! Wait, did you seriously find them in there? How could I have missed them? The bathroom isn't that big."
"Even lazier than the bathroom? Babe, they have literally been RIGHT by the front door the whole entire time. How could you have missed those?"
"Well I told you I didn't look that hard."
He looked like he wanted to strangle me so naturally I started laughing so hard I cried a bit. I don't know how he remains married to me other than I'm moderately charming and I can cook a bit. I like to keep things exciting.
That's it for this episode of Riley Writes.
Xoxo,
Rachele
