The Little Can Opener Who Can't

Once upon a time there was a can opener purchased from the BX (which is short for Base Exchange, which I learned recently because I've only been living here for a year and a half).  The can opener was soooo awful, its owners purchased another one because it broke within a month.  They felt bad though so they kept it for good measure.  The new can opener was shiny and came with a bottle cap remover.  It was the loveliest in all the land of their kitchen.  Until one day, it rode into battle with a child who had no idea how to use it.  The can opener was no match for Spaghettios and died an awful death, parts flying everywhere.  It's master was saddened by the sudden loss but alas, she moved on with her life and bought a much newer, much safer can opener that lifts the lid instead of cutting into it.  She was elated at the thought of never having to worry about cutting herself on a sharp lid again.

This is literally the worst can opener I have ever owned in my life.  I cannot operate it for the life of me.  If we aren't friends on Facebook, (which we probably are but I'm going to post the picture anyways because it needs repeating)...I digress and forgot where I was going but here:

Ten minutes, a pair of needle nose pliers, a fork, a butter knife and a flat head screwdriver.  Oh and my new can opener too.  It's one of those safe cut ones or whatever.  Anyways, somehow that incredible guy I married figured it out and showed me multiple times before ^ this happened.   He's amazing, have I mentioned that?  I also would love to say that this is an isolated incident, unfortunately it's not.

So tonight, I'm making paleo spaghetti but of course (actually I was going to make paleo zucchini ravioli but that's a story for another night), I need to get the tomato sauce and paste open (since I make my own spaghetti sauce).  Zach and I are doing our ballet in the kitchen (not literally of course) and he's doing trying to make juice.  I think his spidey senses tingled because as soon as I opened the drawer, it was as if he knew what was going to happen.  Not wanting to recreate the picture above, he offered to do it for me because he's my husband and manly and stuff.  But in more of a "I don't want you mutilating those cans" kinda way.

"I don't know if it will work because the cans are too small."  "I wish I would have read the directions."  Then I piped in that I read the directions and he just looked at me because to be honest, I didn't understand the pictures.  Who puts pictures of directions other than Ikea?  Be serious Ecko.  < That's the brand so you know never to buy can openers from them at the BX in Guam.  

Then this happened: 

You're probably wondering why he looks angry.  It may have been because a certain someone was taunting him about not being able to get the can opener to open the cans and then I snapped a picture because I couldn't stop laughing.  By this time, I realized we had been defeated and decided to take my cans over to my neighbor to open.  

Then this!  Happiness is a neighbor who lets you borrow a good can opener until you buy a new one.  Hooray!  Dinner can commence!

Of course, then there is a little issue of it tasting absolutely awful because I'm 97% positive that the tomato paste was bad.  I don't know...does tomato paste normally have a layer of rusted orange color? 

Zach - "Babe, is it supposed to taste like this?"

"It tastes a little off to me, I don't think I'm going to eat it."

Zach - "Seriously?  You put all this work into it.  Now I feel bad.  What's the expiration date on the bottom of the can?"

"Ehh...let me look.  It's not there and don't feel bad."

Zach - "Rachele, seriously, there is no expiration date whatsoever?  Did you even look at the top/bottom of the can?  I suppose if you aren't eating it, I should be scared since you eat anything."

"Hmmm, it says 2004 (dramatic pause as I realize I can't read properly nor can I speak math)...AHHHHH sorry, I can't read.  There's a one in there. 2014.  Cool your jets, we aren't getting food poisoning tonight.  Or we might if we eat it.  I don't know.  There's a chance maybe."

"Wait...did you just say I eat everything?"

Zach made a turkey sandwich and I ate a nectarine and neither of us have food poisoning.  Yet.

Xoxo

Riley Writes